# mementomori: remember to die and look forward to it
death is unavoidable. i don't worry too much about it. in fact i look forward to it. i find it intriguing. i'm curious to see what being dead will be like.
# unlikely options
so what happens after we die? i know about these main theories:
void or nothingness: i won't experience anything anymore. i like this option: if there's no experiencing, there's no feelings, i can't feel anything, so i can't feel bad about this either. i wouldn't mind this but i find this very improbable. i just find it too weird that there's nothing for very long, then there's some experience, then there's nothing again. doesn't make too much sense from a math perspective.
reincarnation: you get to live another life randomly. most life is quite hard and challenging so chances are this comes with suffering. sometimes it's your current life that is creating the suffering for your next life (imagine being one of those bad dictators that ruin many lives). i'm not too worried about this possibility either. i feel like a lucky person, i'm sure i would luck out a fun next life too. but again, i find this unlikely too for the same reason as above: it had to start sometime and end sometime. but is there void before and after? doesn't make sense from a math perspective. though it could be cyclical: the universe dies but then reborns in the same configuration and all experiences get replayed. but that means "something" exists from infinite past until infinite future and sounds too complex to me logically.
"the egg" from andy weir: https://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html. i quite like this story. it's an interesting mix between reincarnation and simulation. i find it improbable but nevertheless i wanted to mention it because i find it very well written.
# simulation
and the final option i know is "we live in a computer simulation like a video game". i find this the most palatable theory. it goes against the occam's razor, i know. but it gives a simple satisfying answer about the world and i can sleep better without my brain trying to make sense of how the universe works. i'm not claiming that we live in a simulation, i just say i assume we live in a simulation because that is for me the simplest answer that keeps my brain calm. i can imagine the universe as a video game and that's it. when we die the words "game over" appear and you get escorted to the outer world for a debrief. then we'll have a chance to play again or do some other outerwordly things.
i think simulation is the most popular theory for others too. i count most religions such as christianity into this category. it also has a concept of creator (god) and the concept of an outer world (heaven and hell). same thing but with mysticism because back in the middle ages we didn't have computers so the concept of a simulation was hard to imagine.
my crazy beliefs go even further: i also believe intelligent design. the evolution was slightly prodded in order to build humans as they are today. dinosaurs were eliminated because they were too messy and ugly or something like that. if you are going to create a world, surely you want to ensure it looks attractive to attract the gamers. so if we have creators, then i find highly likely that they do influence the world they created.
and being in simulation also explains weird rules like light's speed limit. distributed computing is hard. changes propagate slowly in the system otherwise it would be too expensive to simulate.
anyway, my point here is that if this is a game, then my own death is no big deal. it's just a game.
note that this is about making peace with my own mortality. as for others: we should try our best to prevent unwanted deaths and unwanted suffering so that the game remains fun for others. i have some additional thoughts on this in @/simulation.
# meaning
so why live at all? what's the meaning of life?
i think i've managed to find a specific meaning for myself. i have a "backlog" of tasks i want to finish (see the "stashed tasks" in @/task). most of it are just blog post ideas. i won't rest easy until i finish that backlog. if that is not empty on my deathbed then i will be annoyed.
i started writing my backlog of ideas into a file about 4 years ago. i started tracking the backlog's size last year. this is how the file's size changed over time:
it's still going up. but surely it will start going down sometime soon. there's only so many new novel ideas and sentences that can occur to me, right?
i'm hoping that it will become zero when i am around ~50 years old (about ~15 years from now on). then i have a couple years to work on my steam games backlog. then i just go to sleep and never wake up. if there's an option to go for assisted suicide once my body breaks down (e.g. going blind, needing wheelchair, alzheimer, etc) then i'd happily take that.
phrased in other words: for me the meaning of my life comes from working towards whatever goals i set for myself. as long as i have goals, i have a will to live.
# dead body
also i would be happy to donate my dead body to a hospital so that new doctors and nurses can practice on me. then my family doesn't need to deal with my funeral. i definitely want to avoid a formal funeral; i hate such events. unfortunately donating body to a hospital requires lot of bureaucracy to set up, i haven't done it yet. this task is in my backlog so it's all good, i'm sure i'll get to it some day. i'd be happy to provide even my living body for science as long as they can guarantee to reliably shut down my brain before cutting me up. that's probably even harder to arrange. i don't really get what's the big fuss about dead bodies in our society especially if the body's owner explicitly gives it away for free use for anything. i'd certainly give that permission because i wouldn't care at that point: i would be dead.
# memento
why write this post? it's my memento mori. i just wanted to remind myself that i will die, i shouldn't worry about it too much.
my eyesight is continuously getting worse. should i worry about this? should i stop my current practice of sitting in front of my computer 16h per day? should i instead go outside now and then? nah, let me have my comforts now. i don't have any other life shrinking bad habits such as smoking, overeating, overstressing. i can probably last until 50 in this form and after that age i can stop caring about living longer. so i don't need to worry too much about deteriorating health. no need to go to regular health checkups either. i prefer surprise young death than living too long artificially on various medicaments and then worrying too much and being a burden on the healthcare system and the people around me. humanity didn't have preventative healthcare 200 years ago so it's not that worse than what most people experienced in the past. again, this is my own preference, not saying others should have the same preference.
and when i finish my backlog, maybe i can waste another 10-20 years gaming if i'm truly lucky. for me that sounds like a comfortable way to await the death. i'm sure it will all go according to this plan and i will be totally happy on my deathbed! this post will age well!
published on 2024-12-09, last modified on 2024-12-15